When I was a little girl, I would often get terrifying nightmares, and would be left so paralysed with the horror of them, that I could not even open my eyes - for fear of seeing someone or something standing over me… I used to have a real, gut-wrenching fear of being alone in a room at night time, and would imagine someone staring through the window at me.
Right now I am shaking with a fear that these memories have stirred, and the imaginings they have awakened within my mind.
This fear has fully returned to me. I feel like a scared little girl 
I can not get rid of this terror, and although I know it is totally irrational, it is there and worse than ever. I can’t stop imagining things, seeing things, hearing things… thinking things. I can’t stop this fear from rising up in me, and it has total control of every part of me - my mind, my actions… I’ve just lost control of everything.
The things I see in my mind are horrible. But I can’t stop. I wish it was as easy as saying to myself, “Stop thinking about that, stop ‘imagining’ that. Just stop.” I can’t stop. I’m beginning to wonder if there is actually something wrong with me - this fear is definitely real, even though I should know that what I fear is not… the scary thing is, I can’t know that can I? If I did, I wouldn’t fear these things. Why would you fear something that you in your self knew was not real? I fear it as if the object of my fear, as if these imaginings, were as real as the fear itself… I keep repeating to myself that, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, there is nothing to fear but fear itself, there is nothing to fear but fear itself…”. So far, nothing is working.
I am terribly anxious of late. Here is an idea of what I am feeling:
What’s that Shadow there,
Creeping round the bottom stair
And up along the rafter beams?
Something there is slithering…
Down by the front-room door,
An image I’ve not seen before,
Soft and pulsing; glowing bright,
A ghostly creature in the night.
Through the frosty window pane
I thought I saw something again;
A rotten corpse stands alone,
Flesh hanging from its yellow bones.
Whispers from an open tomb,
Maggots fill its concrete womb,
A raven calls to his dark brothers;
Summon one, he’ll bring the others…
Sit upon the granite stones,
Chew on all the scattered bones,
(If they see you watching them
You won’t see the sun again)
The fog rolls in, thick as thieves,
Footsteps come through dying leaves…
What is creeping in the damp,
Beneath my unlit bedroom lamp?
I thought I heard something scream,
Through that gray and misty dream;
The ripping of someones poor head,
Put on a stick, left for dead…
Impaled and writhing in the night,
Hair long and stringy; streaked by fright…
Oh, what will my tomorrow bring
Should they feel me listening?
A creak upon unguarded stairs,
(They hope to catch me unawares)
I’ll hide behind the window curtain;
They won’t see me, I am certain.
Something steps along the floor,
It checks behind the closet door…
Silence makes the loudest sound,
When it comes from underground.
My heart is beating its soft woes
When I discover my bare toes
Are sticking out below the hem
Of the curtains hand-stitched trim!
Just as I have this wretched thought
The curtain moves, I have been caught!
An unseen hand grips the edge!
I sink into the windows ledge…
I wait for my own demise…
I listen for the raven’s cries…
And time ticks slowly past.
I peek through curtains, aghast…
The room is empty, safe for me,
Hiding quite shamefully,
Footprints soggy, wet the wood,
On the floor where something stood.
I breath a sigh of sweet relief,
And stare in quiet disbelief,
At the nothingness that’s there.
Yet I still feel its stare…
I feel a chill upon my spine
As if something means to dine
On my trembling limbs before
I try to sprint to bedroom door,
But paralysis overcomes
My tiny hearts beating drum.
I turn my head towards window pane…
And cannot turn my head again.
For there outside my window ledge,
Floating above the unkempt hedge,
Was a shrouded shadow; Black,
Staring at my trembling back.
And through the glass, it thrust its arms
And worked its deadly, freakish charms,
And stole away my thumping soul,
I swear I did not want to go!
But go I went, on frosty ledge
Through yellowed leaves on shadowed hedge
Into the fog infested night,
Past stringy hair, streaked by fright
Into the whispering open tomb,
The maggot filled concrete womb,
Into a darkness deep and cold
Where bodies lie, growing old…
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She is truly amazing, and my awe of her is unending.
